Signing off for a while

What is loneliness?  I know that I'm lonely, but how do you describe it?  And how did I get here?

I think loneliness is longing for a deep connection with someone but you can't find one.  Strangely, for me, even when you do find a meaningful connection I'm so affected by the consequence of past experience that I choose to cast people aside preferring the predictability of the solitude I've always know to the risk of being unbearably hurt again.  

Hmmm... someone told me not long ago that I made a choice just like that.  I cast them aside and I hurt them badly in the process.  I acknowledge that and I'll always regret the hurt I caused.  I tried to apologise but the truth is I lost my closest friend that day.  But that's what I do.  I hurt people and then, in doing so, I hurt myself.  It's a sinister form of self-sabotage.  I see it frequently in the students I work with.  But now, today, I see it in myself.  

I spend so much energy looking for connection with someone, and all that happens is that I lose all the important connections that I ever had.  

I have no friends, my family are all but gone (except for my brother), I pushed my one true love away...  I want to cry all the time but instead I manage.  I get on with life because that's how I cope.  I go to work.  I bury my head in paper and books.  I write.  I think.  I remember and reflect.  And in doing so I relive experiences torturing myself over and over, becoming more bitter and more lonely as time goes on.

But this isn't good.  It's not right and it's not healthy.  Something has to change.

So it's with thus blog post I'm saying goodbye for a little while.  To those who read my blog, I'll come back to it one day.  To the friends I hurt and lost along the way, I love you and I'm sorry for any hurt I caused you.  If you choose to contact me again, then that would be lovely.  If not then know that I carry each of you with me in my heart every day.  

But for now I end back where I started.  Reflecting on digital kindness realising that sometimes you need to be kind to yourself.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mathematical Sociology... Maths is not just for geeks!

Image
As a mathematician I am often met with the comment: "I never used maths in my life.  Useless subject!"   Word of advice:  Not only is that one of the most irritating comments that will drive every maths geek in the world to prove you wrong by citing multiple examples of applied mathematics, but it is so far from true that it's alarming.  It's not just about algebra, trigonometry or calculus.  Its about logical thinking and having the ability to model situations in order to aid our understanding of a complex situation. Recently I have been reading an amazing maths book which has really deepened my understanding of networked learning - yeah, maths and education #interdisciplinartity.  I hope that this short blog post will  help to illustrate my point.   ( "Social network diagram - spokes"   by  IN 30 MINUTES Guides  is licensed under  CC BY 2.0 ) Imagine two people, Bobby and Billie, represented by two blue ...
Read more

H818 Conference Presentation: Mobile Blogging - A Course for Educators

Image
Downloadable Copy of Transcription Downloadable Copy of Presentation Slides Abstract The potential of mobile technology to enhance learning and teaching practice has been recognised in various academic studies (Xiao (2020); MacCallum et al. (2017); Mohammadi et al. (2020)) and the learning opportunities afforded through the use of mobile devices are complimented by a number of learning theories including connectivism (Siemens, 2004 as cited by Manchester University, ND) and social constructivism (Vygotsky, 1978 as cited by McLeod, 2019) .   In contrast however, policies on learner behaviour management coupled with issues relating to the individual and collective identities of educators have led to resistance in the adoption of mobile technology within learning and teaching practice.   Indeed removal of mobile devices is still used as a punitive action against learners where the devices themselves are deemed a classroom distraction by educators.   Yet, studies address...
Read more

Reflections on Professionalism

Image
  I've been thinking a lot about professionalism this year, what it is, what it means and what effects it.  Life can be tumultuous and unpredictable, but with just over two weeks to go before I submit my research proposal at the end of my second year of study I find myself wondering if I've got this wrong? ( " Thinking cap " by  Identity Photogr@phy  is licensed under  CC BY 2.0 .) I've always tried to be professional in my work.  But what does that mean?  Is it in my behaviour and actions?  Is it in the quality of my work?  Is it in the way I dress and present myself?  Is it in my values and beliefs?  What is it that sets the work of a professional apart from that of a non-professional?  Is a professional hairdresser, plumber or craftsman any more or less professional than a professional businessman, lawyer or teacher?  The more I  read about the concept of professionalism, the more I's amazed at the complexity of th...
Read more