A dialectic prayer for 2023
This time last year I remember posting about how I wanted 2022 to be different. Well, it didn't disappoint. I learned a lot, I changed a lot and I grew stronger. Some people who were on this journey with me, changed direction and carried on their own way. Others have stayed with me and accompanied my along the way and others still have joined me my adventure. Other times, I changed direction because I took the time to recognise that I didn't want to go to the same places as other people. And while, from time to time I miss their company, their destination simply wasn't the same as mine and I hold no ill feeling about that. A friend of mine reminded me that "to everything there is a season" and seasons change - it's natural.
Have you ever though of yourself as seasonal? I hadn't but I'm starting to realise that some days I wake up full of the joys of spring and feeling really positive about the future. Other days I'm very much in full winter mode where every day is hard work it's a struggle to keep a sense of warmth in my heart. Sometimes things get hot and intense just like summer and other times I feel worn out and in need of a rest just like autumn. Autumn is my favourite time of year. 2022 wasn't perfect, but it would be a weird and unnatural sort of life that wasn't seasonal in some way.
One thing I'm sure of is that I'm definitely on a journey.
This time last year I had just finished working on my proposal for my Doctorate of Education (EdD) and my regular readers will know that I've been so excited about starting my Doctorate of Education (EdD) journey this year. I've been blogging for a while about my studies, my learning, my work... But I was so worried about starting the EdD Program because I kind of felt like I wasn't ever going to be good enough, what if I didn't get on with my supervisor... a tangible sense of "imposter syndrome" and all the "what if"s ever were going through my mind.
Now I'm two months in to the program and, yes it's hard work and intense, but I'm enjoying the process so much. I suppose I'm realising that by focusing on the process, the changes in my thinking, the changes in my life, "imposter syndrome" doesn't feel like such a big deal any more. All the changes we go through make us unique - so where's the imposter in that?!
But today, December 31st 2022, I realised that, by taking this journey, I had the opportunity to share my experiences with others who, just like myself might be thinking of applying for a course of education, a PhD, and EdD, making a change or undertaking a project of any kind. Sometimes a guide can go a long way to providing the help you need. So I just had to write about what I've learned in the 10 weeks since starting my EdD journey.
1. Building on Good Foundations
I suppose one of the things I was worried about was the difference between Masters and Doctoral work. It had been described to me as the difference between mastering the literature and contributing to the literature. I totally understand that perspective. But it took time for me to understand how to go about the process of contributing to the literature. Much of my experience in my MA had been about weaving my learning and my experience together in order to reach some new realisation (Szenes et al., 2015).
But at Doctoral level, I'm realising now that I need to view my experience differently because my experience is part of an emerging empirical picture which, though based on the evidence of my own observation, is also biased and insecure as it is not based on the established review and critique of the knowledge available in the wider field. I have to acknowledge that my own thoughts, feelings and observations may be just that, my own..
That being said, it doesn't mean my experience is invalid or unhelpful. Indeed it gives me inspiration to try to understand what's going on in the social world. But I need more than a hunch to go on. Accepting that what I was starting with was little more than a hunch, replete with my own biases and assumptions was a hard pill to swallow because it forced me to realise the scale of the journey ahead of me. What I'm realising is that by completing my context study and by engaging with my literature review, I'm encountering views that mirror my own alongside contradictory perspectives that force me into uncomfortable place.
In conversation with my brother last night I described it as like starting a jigsaw without a box or picture to work from. You know there's a picture there and from experience you know that it all fits together, but you don't quite know how... yet! Slowly you have to piece it together yourself. The most satisfying moments are when you start to see parts of a picture coming together. It's time consuming and laborious and frustrating because I can't just say I know what the picture looks like because I see it every day at work. Other people will simply come back at you and ask you to prove it because they haven't seen the picture you've seen. And all you have to convince them are the jigsaw pieces in front of you.
2. Encountering Dialectics
Hegel's concept of dialectics is something quite new to me. I never claimed to be a philosopher, but the principle is that two statements can be true, but completely contradict one another. So you have to dig further to try and find the overarching truth that explains the phenomenon. As an example:
(i) Water is liquid.
(ii) When water boils it becomes a gas.
Two contradictory statements - waterr can't simultaneously be both a liquid and a gas. Yet, both statements are true because the overarching truth is that the physical state of water depends on the temperature it is heated to.
This concept of learning from ideas that contradict one's own point of view has been really challenging for me. My hunch at the start of my research journey encompassed the idea that hybridity and specifically technology had a mediating impact on relationships between teachers specifically. Now, I'm not so sure because reading the work of Horst and Miller (2012), they argue that, "humanity is not one iota more mediated by the rise of the digital." So my search now is to find out whether or not there is some overarching truth that I'm missing. So I find myself elbow deep in literature regarding computer mediated communication, socio-technocal systems, infrastructure and digital anthropology. It's a lot of reading and a lot of learning. I'm now on three lever arch folders full of papers and a collection of both physical and digital books. And it's not the kind of reading you can skim either because I'm worried I miss some key detail or other.
At this stage I'm reminded of my brother's comments, "One might think that doing a PhD was easy or something?!" in his inimitable sarcastic tone.
3. Working in a Team.
("The Palace of Westminster 2. Night Shot. Nikon D3100. DSC_0574." by Robert.Pittman is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0.)
Moving in to my context study was quite scary too because I've always been the kind of teacher who grounds themselves by focusing on what happens in the classroom. If I can build good relationships with my students and I can help them to grow academically and socially then I'm happy. I try not to get caught up in the politics of education, though some will argue that educcation is inherently political by nature. But my context study has been an eye opener with regard to how transnational governance and politics on a national and international level, especially in the era of post-covid recovery, is having an impact on the way educational institutions operate.
But when I handed in my first assignment, I suppose I was quite naive because, I suppose that I was still thinking like a Masters level student, expecting a pass or fail grade from my supervisor. But that's not how it works. Instead through supervisory meetings and written feedback from assignments, my supervisor challenges my thinking, deepens my thinking and invites me to consider things I would never have thought of. All of this is to prepare me for submitting my work for external examination at the end of year 1. Your supervisor is your guide, coach and mentor there to help you strengthen your research and consider it from all angles so that it stands up to peer review by the external examiner.
I remember saying recently that I felt I had hit a bit of a brick wall - writer's/thinker's block I suppose you could call it. It was a horrid feeling not knowing how to progress. But my supervisor had my back directing me to look at issues of infrastructure, highlighting reading groups that I might take part in... Thinker's block didn't last long. Now I've kind of got more to think about than I can handle.
But it's not just your supervisor you're working with, there's a whole team of people there who can help broaden your thinking.
The other night I was in an evening online seminar about "Ethical Thinking" and it was great to hear from other students and researchers who had encountered a number of dilemas in their research and how they handled them. I have to say that my dilema is voice - how does a male lecturer, who has enjoyed fantastic support from his colleagues, give "voice" to the female perspective?
I fully expect that the majority of participants that will take part in my study will be female simply because I am one of only two male teachers in our department . So, logically, then comes the question of intersectionality - if my research participants are mainly female, does that mean my research is biased by excluding the male perspective, or broader cultural and ethnic perspectives. My workplace is very diverse and I'm glad that we are a diverse community because this diversity brings with it the opportunity for learning. But how many of my colleagues would want to participate? Is my research relevant to people in other departments? And at what point does it become too much to manage?
If anyone has any thoughts about these issues I'm facing, if you can recommend any readings, or if you have faced this or similar problems in your own research, I'd love to hear from you. I think my favourite line from that seminar was "Research is Messy!". Yes, yes it is!
I also attended a reading group on the work of Pierre Bourdieu led by two amazing doctoral researchers. In turn this has led me to consider how Bourdieu's idea of social capital is experienced by teachers and how does it manifest in the teacher's identity and pedagogy. This was something of a breakthrough moment for me because I was reminded that relationships are part of a teacher's social capital. But when my colleagues are based on other campuses and our only way of communicating is via technology, how do I go about accessing that social capital when I need it. If Horst and Miller (2012) are right, that human relationships are no more mediated than they have been at any other time in history, then what is the broader truth at play here?
But it has given me more to think about in my literature review. I might moan and grumble about the sheer volume of reading (it's no secret that I hate reading) but the truth is that I can't wait for the next meeting of the reading group on January 3rd!
The funny thing is that having come to the end of my blog, I find myself thinking there are lessons in here for life too. I'm looking forward to the spring time, the challenges, the growth and the learning next year will bring. I can't say I'm looking forward to the hard times, but I know they're seasonal and they'll pass. But, perhaps more importantly:
(1) I think I've got good foundations to build on,
(2) I've got good support to help me through the tough times.
(3) I've learned that I can learn from others who don't share the same opinions as me if I take time to do the research.
I suppose that's my wish for 2023 that we all get the chance to learn from each other, even if it means confronting some uncomfortable truths, and grow from it to be better people.
References
Horst, H. A. and Miller, D. (2012) Digital Anthropology. London, Bloomsbury.
Szenes, E., Tilakaratna, N. and Maton, K. (2015) 'The Knowledge Practices of Critical Thinking', in Davies, M. and Barnett, R., The Palgrave Handbook of Critical Thinking in Higher Education, Palgrave Macmillan, Hampshire, pp. 573 - 591
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